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the past 3 weeks

first, i got dumped. i don't really mind though, i knew it was coming and it is for the better. but noetheless, i lost my mind. drunk for a week. the next week, got caught up on a boy. he fucked my head up and now i wanna fuck not because i like him. i really find him annoying now. but just because his girlfriend ( they broke up for that week) calls me a bitch and blames it all on me. she fucked another dude in his bed next to their kid!!!! and fucked 3 other guys in the past month while they were dating. we just made out and i got some head. whatever. i hate boys. i wish a had a girlfriend again. girls are so much easier. after all that, he went back to her and my ex came home from michigan and told me i had to move out. we were going to try the roommate thing but it wasn't working for either of us. luckily, my friends let me move into their spare bedroom. but on monday i got fired. so now i am totally broke. and yesterday i dropped my summer classes because with all of this shit i have fallen so far behind. i just want to get a job and spend the summer figuring out my life. but i already feel myself falling back into old ways. i cut myself during al this. it's healing and i don't want to keep doing it. and i am trying the whole dating game. i have never dated before. never even been on a date. i awlays just fuck a guy and move in and that's it. probably one of my biggest problems. but i get to go on my first date ever tomorrow!!! i'm nervous. what do you do on a date? how do you act? what do people do when they are not getting high or having sex? new new shit. but tongiht i think i wanna dress slutty and hit the beach. no real reason. i guess i'm just a ho at heart......

It finally happened

He finally broke up with me. I'm taking it starngely well. No cutting, no vomiting. Although I am thrilled that I can not eat or eat the way I want without anyone else in the picture. And my room has been or fitness room. Yes, I still live here. We are trying the roommate thing. More for me. I have never been on my own and this is kinda a warm up. His reasons are logical (yes, I saw star trek). He needs to better himself if there will ever be a chance for us. For now, just friends. But I now I have to figure out how to make it with benefits. I don't want him to think that it will be because I am holding on, I just don't care for other men. It will take time of course to seperate the love form the sex so I must wait. I just worry he might be hurt whne he sees how easily I can seperate myself from it. Maybe it's just because men aren't quite my thing. I'm very exicted to explore this side of myself. I've ignored it for so long. I just wish I knew how to talk to girls. I figure once I fully come out, it will be easier. Once I openly identify as a lesbian, they might find me. Now I just need a job.....

Apr. 30th, 2009

no money for food anymore. kinda sucks, i wanted to get healthy. i guess i will finally lose weight. can't be tempted by what's not there. and the lesbian thing is still lingering over my head. probably will until i accept it. i just don't wanna make the wrong choice like i always do. i don't wanna regret leaving a good man becasue i'm just horny. i wish i could find out if it's for real or not. i could be very happy without men in my life but i just have to know it's for the right reasons. i miss having a girlfriend... i was soo happy. even though shit was worse back then, i was happy.

Happy Valentine's Day




Happy Valentine's Day!!!!!!!!!!!!

My Body is a Cage- Arcade Fire


My body is a cage
That keeps me from dancing with the one I love,
But my mind holds the key.
My body is a cage
That keeps me from dancing with the one I love,
But my mind holds the key.
I'm standing on the stage
Of fear and self-doubt.
It's a hollow play,
But they'll clap anyway
My body is a cage
That keeps me from dancing with the one I love
But my mind holds the key.
Standing next to me.
My mind holds the key.
I'm living in an age
That calls darkness light
Though my language is dead
Still the shapes fill my head.
I'm living in an age
Whose name I don't know
Though the fear keeps me moving
Still my heart beats so slow
My body is a cage
That keeps me from dancing with the one I love
But my mind holds the key.
Standing next to me.
My mind holds the key.
My body is a...
My body is a cage.
We take what we're given,
Just because you've forgotten, that don't mean you're forgiven.
I'm living in an age
Still turning in the night
But when I get to the doorway
There's no one in sight.
I'm living in an age,
Realizing I'm dancing
With the one I love,
But my mind holds the key.
You're still next to me,
My mind holds the key.
Set my spirit free.
Set my spirit free.
Set my body free.
Set my body free.

I'll Be Yours- Placebo


I'll be your water bathing you clean
The liquid piece
I'll be your ether you'll breathe me in
You won't release
Well I've seen you suffer, I've seen you cry the whole night through
So I'll be your water bathing you clean
Liquid blue

I'll be your father, I'll be your mother,
I'll be your lover, I'll be yours [x2]

I'll be your liqour bathing your soul
Juice that's pure
And I'll be your anchor you'll never leave
Shores that cure
Well I've seen you suffer, I've seen you cry for days and days
So I'll be your liqour demons will drown
And float away

I'll be your father, I'll be your mother,
I'll be your lover, I'll be yours [x3]
Yours...

Slowly Losing It......

Buddha for Mary- 30 seconds to mars

A simple fear to wash you away
An open mind canceled it today
A silent song that's in your words
A different taste that's in your mind

This is the life on mars

Mary was a different girl
Had a thing for astronauts
Mary was the type of girl
She always liked to play a lot
Mary was a holy girl
Father whet her appetite
Mary was the type of girl
She always liked to fall apart

Tell me did you see her face
Tell me did you smell her taste
Tell me what's the difference
Don't they all just look the same inside?
Buddha for Mary, Here it comes

Mary was an acrobat
But still she couldn't seem to breathe
Mary was becoming everything she didn't want to be
Mary would hallucinate
And see the sky upon the wall
Mary was the type of girl
She always liked to fly

Tell me did you see her face
Tell me did you smell her taste
Tell me what's the difference
Don't they all just look the same inside?
Buddha for Mary, Here it comes
Buddha for Mary, Here it comes

This is the life on mars

He said, "Can you hear me, are you sleeping?"
She said, "Will you rape me now?"
He said, "Leave the politics to mad men"
She said, "I believe your lies"
He said, "There's a paradise beneath me"
She said, "Am I supposed to bleed?"
He said, "You better pray to Jesus"
She said, "I don't believe in god"

Mary was a different girl
Had a thing for astronauts
Mary was the type of girl
She always liked to play a lot
Mary was a holy girl
Father whet her appetite
Mary was the type of girl
She always liked to fall apart

Buddha for Mary, here it comes

A Perfect Chirstmas

My boyfriend loved his gifts. What a great way to start the day. I love seeing him smile. Dinner was perfect. And to end the night, me and my friends shared a bottle of champagne and a blunt. Now I've got Christmas specials to fall asleep to. Good nite!! hope your Christmas was wonderful.

NBT 08

This might be the time to break down.

A Beautiful Lie

lie awake in bed at night
and think about your life
do you want to be different?
try to let go of the truth
the battles of your youth
'cause this is just a game

it's a beautiful lie
it's a perfect denial
such a beautiful lie to believe in
so beautiful, beautiful lie
makes me

its time to forget about the past
to wash away what happened last
hide behind an empty face
don't ask too much the same
'cause this is just a game

it's a beautiful lie
it's a perfect denial
such a beautiful lie to believe in
so beautiful, beautiful lie
makes me

lie ... beautiful ... ohhhhh

everyone's looking at me
i'm running 'round in circles (plagued with)
a quiet desperation's building higher
i've got to remember this is just a game

so beautiful, beautiful
it's a beautiful lie (x4)

it's a beautiful lie
it's a perfect denial
such a beautiful lie to believe in
so beautiful, beautiful lie makes me

--30 Seconds to Mars