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Oct. 31st, 2008


I finally got a job. I went back to telemarketing. For how long I do not know. I was supposed to go to Indiana and see my family in a few weeks but because of the job I will not be making it. I told my grandmother today. She didn't seem to care either way. What if she thinks I don't love her??? I couldn't live with myself if that were true. My grandmother means the world to me. And to make things worse, my brother heard I was coming and he has been exicited about it. Now I have let him down too. The only person who still thought good of me. I really did want to see him. I just didn't want to go without David. He said it was ok for me to go without him, I just can't bear to be apart for so long. I know it's only a week, but the weekend he went to Daytona I was a wreck. What if he discovers he is happier without having me around? I don't know what I would do. I can't be without him but I love him and if he would be happier without me I would have to let him go. I don't want to lose him. Sometimes I think I'm draggin him down. Maybe he would be better off without me. But I would be nothing without him. I tried to discuss these things with him tonite. And all he did was bitch about "why can't I be normal?" "I;m always breaking down about something" I can't stop it nor do I want to. I feel diferently. Strongly. I know this. I learned to "deal with it" for 10 years. I am only now learning to embrace it. There must be a reason my life is this way. There must be good to it. And it hurts that  one of the few good things I can find in myself is something that seems to bother him so. And I'm still trippin bout the whole brother thing. I really wanted to see him. It's been five years. And the older he gets, the more I fear he might get sicker. One day he might not be aware of me. Luckily though, it seems he is getting better through the years. He is out of the group home and living in his own place. I don't think that is the best idea but if it makes him happy, then I am happy. I'm so lost. I can actually FEEL my brain shutting down. It's very slow, but it's happening. Fucking depression. Don't think I'll last the week at this place. But here's hoping. I'm still kinda pissed that he made me go back to this shit. I just gotta get through until school starts up. Then I'll have more important things. They don't offer part time here anywayz.

i'm so fucking tired of being rejected. i just want a fucking job!!!! i'm not smart enough, not thin enough, not pretty enough. i'm tired of sitting around the house all day with nothing to do. i'm so unhappy. when will it change? when will it end?

Last night fucking rocked!!!!

My boyfriend and I were hanging out outside of jannus so we could listen to the everlast concert. we didnt have any money for tix so we just chilled outside. then right before everlast came on stage, this guy offered us tix for FREE!!!! FREE!!!! so we got in and got to listen to the concert. we were right up front. it was freaking awesome!!! finally good things are happening to me!!! today will be a good day. shopping!!

Here's a silly joke to make you laugh


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I want out!

i don't have a job. i can't find a job. i can't pay my bills. he can't pay my bills. we're fucking broke and it's all my fault. i'm afraid he's gonna leave me. i cause so much trouble. i never should have joined that fucking gym. they won't let me cancel unless i have a medical condition. i wonder if an eating disorder would count? i could lose enough to fit the criteria. that's easy. give me a reason not to eat and i'd be fucking happy. but being that it's a gym they prob love ppl with eating disorders.  i still owe on my card and my car keeps breaking down. i can't afford gas to even look for a job or go to the gym everyday. at least i dropped out of school so we don't have to pay that ne more. i just feel like such a loser. i don't wanna deal with this shit ne more. y is it so much easier to be sick. i didn't mind being poor when i was drunk and high all the time. when ever shit got too hard i could just cut and drink and not deal. and being poor meant no food. that was prob the only good thing bout being homeless was i didn't have to make excuses about y i was so thin. i just wanna give up. i wanna die but i don't wanna kill myself. i want david to be happy with me and understand me but i'm afraid he's tired of carrying me and he's gonna leave. i don't know what to do if he leaves. i don't know how i will survive. i can't tell him this either or he might stay just to keep my from losing my mind. i don't want him to stay for a dumb reason like that. i dont want to keep him unhappy and that's all i do. i just want to run away. i want to stop crying. i want to be done with this shit. i thought i was fucking better!!!! i'm going fucking crazy!!!!!!!!!
Well I went to a party last week. The second party in my life. I hadn't been to one since i was 15. it was kinda scary but i'm glad i went. i still can't bring myself to call the girl back and thank her. i don't know what else to say to her and i find her very attractive which is another reason i don't wanna get too close to her. i don't wanna hurt david so i think it's best if i avoid it altogether. today, i took a major step. a little history first, since "recovering" from my eating issues (meaning i am not starving myself everyday, just sometimes) the only way i can eat and not freak out is to plan out meals. i've been doing this for years except for the times when i was homeless of course. if i go out of these meal plans and eat more than i completly lose it. i stress myself out too much. well, today i chose to give this "normal eating" thing a ry. i really want to be able to eat like other ppl. the way ppl can just feel like eating something and then eat it. i don'tfeel hungry anymore. i have to have these plans to make sure i eat because i don't really understand what "hungry" is. i forgot. well today i tried. no plans. just a spurof the moment brunch kinda thing with my boyfriend. i ate not even half my plate and jsut ended up drinking champagne all day. funny, as obsessed with calories as i am, when it comes to alcohol i don't even care. i just wish i could get over this. i'm trying really hard to ween myself from these stupid plans. on the bright side, what i did eat, i didn't purge! yay!!! i know it's not right to think 800 cals is a lot but when i see it on the calorie counter i start to worry, what can i do to burn this? how long must i jog to make the 800 mean nothing. well, i'm rambling. here's hoping i can get better. at least i'm not falling backwards. just staying steady in the middle of disorder and healthy.

I give up

I'll never be smart
I'll never be thin
I'll never be beautiful
I'll never be good enough
I'll never be successful
I'll never have enough
I'll never be happy
I'll never win
My mother will never be proud of me
My father will never know me
I'll never have friends
I'll never be married
I'll never be anything
I'll never make anyone happy
I'll never make someone's life better
I'll never have the things I want much less the things I need
The sadness will never leave me
The sun will never shine
The darkness will always hold me
 I'll never stop crying
I'll never finish anything
I'll never be worth the fight or worth the tears
I'll never, ever, ever...........

Aug. 23rd, 2008

I have just finished reading about the reality of anorexia and other eating disorders. where was this stuff when i was a kid? reading about the physical effects has just put me into shock over realizing that the things i have come to be used to are probably my fault. i know when i was really sick that the hair loss, the yellow skin, the coldness all the time these things were part of it. but the things i deal with even today. still always cold, the way my skin always seems purplish ( i thought it was just because i was fair skinned), my body aches ( some could be attributed to being treated like a ragdoll by both my mother and ex-fiance), the rotten teeth that i began to fix but ran out of insurance and as i write this am feeling pain from at least one of them ( it could've been from the meth i did when i was younger as well, maybe both), i get sick a lot and stay sick for a long time, my skin is terrible, my hunger is strange, i still have trouble realizing what hungry is so i just kinda eat when i think i am supposed to if i remember. i cry when i am full because even though i know right from wrong my mind is torn. i want to be healthy and i would LOVE to be happy with my body. i have never even been fat. if i could only heal my mind then maybe i could get somewhere in life. my dream is to be a therapist. i want to help all those people out there who are going through the things i have been through. i want to bring some good from all the pain. but how can i help any one when i still battle my own mind??  i just want to be normal. i want to be happy having a bmi of 20. i want to be hapy with having breasts and a butt. my boyfriend loves my butt why can't i??  i have dealt with the food thing, i eat sometimes, i constantly think about what to eat even though all i really want to do is not eat or to fast and restrict.  if i could just fix this mental crap. i'm depressed all the time. it's a constant cycle, so constant i can predict what's gonna happen next. but this last week has been hell. i cry for no reason i just start crying and it passes and then i see a pic of me or a beautiful women on televison and i just start crying. i just wanna give up somtimes and now to see even more damage i have done to myself just makes it harder. as far as people know i have been recovered for 5 years but it has never stopped. i get better for awhile and then i get sick for awhie. back and forth. today i feel ok. today i ate food like a normal person. but i just want to be able to not freak when i hit 1000 cals for the day. i don't want to feel like i need to purge after i hit 1000 (luckily i have yet to succumb to these urges). i just hope maybe i will b able to find a way out. sorry, i don't know where i was going with that rant, just needed to get it out.
 i hate this fucking school!!! sometimes it feels like i wasted 40grand. i can't write these damn essays. i don't have a food history. i ate shit out of boxes my whole childhood and i didn't eat for 5 or 6 years after that. there's a great fucking story, the anorexic chef. i can't write a two page essay about how i was unemployed for 6 months and started copying the food network. i'm only in this because i can't do aything else. that and being around food all day makes it easier not to eat. i'm three weeks behind in one class and my kitchen lab went terrible today. i am the only female in my group and i'm finlly starting to realize it. they friggin ignored me all day and then talk down to me like im some idiot. it's not my fault the one guy was hungover and was unprepared. welcome to college buddy. and to top it all off  i can't even talk to my boyfriend and it's finally getting to me. i need someone to talk to that is going to listen and not just tell me that it's not their problem and go back to his stupid computer game. i feel so trapped. i'm so confused i can't take this shit sometimes. also, how fucked up is it that after all this time when something is wrong all i  can think about is grabbing a blade? you think the thoughts would go away by now. it's been neayl two years. sorry bout all that, just needed to vent to someone. sometimes i wish i coudl just run away to cali or even somewhere in europe. just start over, but unfortunately i can't even afford to make it to work tomorrow and it's only my first week there. time to make another drink.....

Aug. 12th, 2008

i finally got a job!!! unfortunately it's in another city so that's more gas i have to use. but in oct we will be moving there and there is soo much more to do down there. i'm finally catching up on my schoolwork and my net cals have been staying in the negative!! yay!! except for sunday when i was lazy i ended up with 600 for the day. i am really excited about this new job. it's a bullshit kinda job but the boss said he will teach me as much as he can and that i can practice my knife skills and such during slow times. hopefully this all works out.

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